Burn, Baby, Burn

Prompt: “The world is so much different from when we started 2020, and many people have gone through difficult times, whether related to physical or mental health, work, family, etc. Look back on your 2020 and share your highs and lows from the past year, the lessons you have learned, the things you want to pay forward.”

The Highs

I am grateful to Marie for asking us to reflect on some of the good as we close out 2020. It’s important. I’m also thankful for a dear friend who forced me to begin recognizing at least one good thing every day during one of my lowest lows this past summer. It was often a struggle. Some days the only good thing was making it through yet another crisis mostly whole. But as I kept doing it with myself after that, I realized just how much the little things matter in keeping our heads above water – like the luxury of a chocolate-covered cherry melting in my mouth or the pleasant calm of an evening rainstorm. Among those things, these were some of my biggest highlights:

• Sharing more of my writing and getting better with WordPress
• Successfully pulling off a nearly impossible project at work all summer
• Finally getting to see the Hamilton Musical live on stage after years of trying
• Discovering loads of new music and rediscovering old favorites
• Building new, meaningful friendships with some amazing people
• Running a successful fundraiser for a friend in dire need
• Getting across the pond to London for the first time right before the lockdowns (little did I know this pose I struck in Blackfriars near the River Thames would come in quite handy by years end):

The Lows

Oh, those lows of 2020 were some of the hardest I’ve experienced in my adult life, and not just because of the pandemic. This is the year that I learned I’m not consistently made of the stuff I thought I was made of. The year that – just like for so many others – made me question…everything. The year that almost broke me and too many of the people that I love and care about. 

But I’ve made a deal with myself. Before the year turns over, I’ll be printing out the words below and I’m going to set them on fire. Yes. I will sip my best bourbon as I watch the paper burn in a heavy metal pot on my stove – not because some of these things won’t still be there in 2021, but because I have a deep desire for the visual representation of some closure to the way these things conspired together over the last twelve months. And then I’m going to do a little disco dance on the ashes. 

The Lessons Learned

Two weeks ago, the gripping fear that something bad could happen kept me from driving home in the first real snow of the season. I chose to snag a hotel room for the night instead, despite having driven through plenty of snowstorms over the years and not being that far from home. I just couldn’t take the chance – not with the foreboding specter of 2020 bullshit kicking around in my head and gut. It was the right thing to do considering how I was feeling, however, it shouldn’t have filled me with as much angst and dread as it did at the time. This has become a bit of a trend for me as the year closes out – becoming warier of taking chances. More anxious. Impatient. Less trusting.

I’d always admired what I’ve come to define as my high-tolerance for strategic risks that often paid off. I resent having allowed myself to change so much in that regard in such a short period of time. I don’t like the way my heart has become afraid to be as open as it once was. Gun shy. More withdrawn. Doubtful of my abilities. Distrustful of some of the people I love. 

Beyond that, I’ve learned the hard way that my body has an uncanny ability to function on very little sleep and food…until it doesn’t. That compassion fatigue is an insidious spirit killer. That social isolation is a motherfuc…

…but wait…!

This isn’t that kind of New Year’s Eve party! I could rage on and on over the hard lessons, but this is where I choose to focus on the good ones – 

• I may not be as emotionally and physically strong as I thought I was, but I’m still a force to be reckoned with. I’m still made of grit, of love, of whimsy
• When life gets shitty, it’s okay to take some time to find the happy and not feel guilty about doing so
• The moon is still there for me when I’m in doubt – there to camouflage the things I don’t want to see for a while in her shadows and to shine her soft light on the things that matter the most
• Developing new, deep, and meaningful friendships are possible in middle age
• When I try really hard, I can make myself see glimpses of the me that feels more like…me…fighting through. My sense of humor. My sexy. My skills. My ability to love with my whole heart. My joy of writing. I haven’t lost my entire sense of self. Yet.

Paying it Forward

Last year around this same time, I set a goal for 2020 to write more and I did – twenty-seven posts and counting on this blog, a few commissions, and some private journaling, too! I was nowhere near what anyone would describe as prolific, but I wrote. Some good, some bad, some ugly. I wrote. Despite learning that I wouldn’t be published in a canceled anthology, I wrote. Amidst all the trials of this insane year, I kept writing. By that measure, I met my goal.

So for 2021, I will forgo a resolution in the traditional sense once again, and instead, I have chosen a theme:

A Year of Self-Love!

And this is how I hope to pay it forward – encouraging you to set your own theme for 2021, too. The idea to set a theme as opposed to making resolutions isn’t a novel one – yet it was a lightbulb one for me once I learned of the concept because I’m normally a task-driven perfectionist who loves checking things off my list and loathes failing. But by choosing a theme, I won’t be setting myself up to fail. I’ll be mindful of the positive trend line forward rather than specific data points or deadlines to trip me up. Yes, a theme will nudge me to notice more of the possible branches on my life path, consider my choices, and remind me to be a little different in little moments sometimes. 

The broadness of a theme allows its meaning to adapt to what I need. For example, my general goal to simply write more in 2020 means that it doesn’t matter that I didn’t write every day. Or that a good portion of what I wrote about for what was meant to be a sex blog wasn’t sexy at all. The trend line inched upward more than it did downward. I wrote. Therefore, making Self-Love my theme for 2021 means that the choices I make to improve my physical and mental health will count – no matter how big, how small, or how frequent. So many more things will count as a win in this way. And fuck, do I need some wins. We all do.

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Self-Love and What It Means – Brain and Behavior Foundation

Go on! I dare you to set a theme for yourself. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, I recommend this video:  

Happy New Year, Friends!

May 2021 bring you comfort and peace. 
More love. 
Better health. 
Boundless joy. 

For now, let’s dance! It’s New Year’s Eve, after all, and those ashes aren’t going to stomp on themselves. Burn, Baby, Burn!

A bonus song to keep us dancing, with a wink and a nod to that special someone in Wigan who kept me sane.

Post Images Credit: Carolyna Luna