More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

This week on #MusicallyRanting, Jae Lynn asks us — “what song or album is your favorite when it is played acoustically, and why?” 

Oh, I could write about my love for Alanis’ entire Jagged Little Pill acoustic album. Or I could wax poetic over David Gilmour’s unplugged I Wish You Were Here, which never fails to dig into my soul and rip my heart out. But nope, I’m going love ballad on this one friends, with Extreme’s early 90s departure from their usual funk metal and originally acoustic song —  More Than Words.

Despite what some call its bristling popularity and the simplicity of its lyrics, this song always does it for me — melancholic with a steady rhythm (but also with a deceptive cadence and turnarounds), acoustic guitar tugging at my heartstrings, and a message that speaks to me. 

“Does the song say something about you?” 

Every time I’ve taken the love languages quiz, physical touch comes out on top, which suggests that I feel most loved when locked in a tender embrace, lost in a passionate kiss, or writhing in ecstasy from the powerful thrusts of a lover’s body deep into mine. Every contact onto their skin, each inhale of their unique scent, and all of the adoring glances and wry smiles shared in close proximity with a love is an intimacy that kindles my heart.

But then why have I chosen long distance love so often in my life? One friend says it’s some kind of low-key masochistic streak in me – a twisted comfort in the discomfort of constant longing. Or perhaps it comes from the love stories I devoured in my youth that just didn’t ring true unless there was tragic separation to overcome? Fuck you, Danielle Steel! (No, not really, You’re lovely.)

More Than Words has been buzzing around my head lately, but especially after a recent conversation with a pal about meaningful gestures of love and romance in long distance relationships. The central question in our conversation was how does one bridge a strong affinity for the love language of physical touch when you aren’t physically near your love most of the time? 

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you
La di da, da di da, di dai dai da
More than words

“How does [the song] make you feel?”

More Than Words makes me feel a keen commiseration. I’ve taken that love languages quiz so many times because I keep expecting words of affirmation to come out on top. How could it not when I am such a lover of words? And how could it not when words — written, spoken, or sung — are much of what one gets in a long distance relationship? 

Of course an online quiz could never fully encapsulate the nuances and variations of complex humanity, sexuality, and least of all, love. But it did get me thinking. Self-reflecting. A lot. And where I’ve landed makes sense to me — while my desire and passion for words of affirmation are strong, physical touch is the way I’ve felt most loved in my romantic relationships. Even much of what I choose to write about creatively with said beloved words centers around the exchange of intimacy in the act of touching. I need to feel my love’s touch frequently. It can’t just be the words. Physical touch is the epitome of being connected for me, both literally and figuratively.

This realization has helped me try to understand why I’m often misunderstood when I answer the  “what do you need” question in a long distance relationship. My mind knows I can’t really ask for the physical touch I need in that moment —  a warm embrace, sensual back rub, or just an all out rage fuck — because I’m not going to get it. What I hope for is to be able to answer that question honestly, unabashedly, and not be met with just “I wish I coulds” or “me toos.” My desire is for a love to recognize that when they can’t just reach over and indulge me in the physical touch I need to feel loved, that there are myriad ways to try and assuage that gap both in our distance and our love language to touch in other ways. 

I think quality time might be one of the keys to that. Rick Warren says it well in The Purpose Driven Life: 

“Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. It is not enough to just say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in them. Words alone are worthless. “My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action.” Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is “T-I-M-E.”

It strikes me that quality time might be the most meaningful gift and the ultimate act of service one can give in a long distance relationship. Not as a burden or a chore, but willingly and intentionally making some undivided space in your life for your love, to show your love, in the ways that are most meaningful to your lover. Quality time may be in the remembering. Quality time may be in choosing to do the work in the time you have, despite how limited it may be, for your love in quality ways over that and who may be conveniently available. And doing it because you want your lover to feel worth it and valued by you. When so much of a long distance relationship plays out mostly in beautiful and necessary words of affirmation, and the opportunity for physical touch is so limited, devoting time frequently and consistently to touch in other ways means so much to a person wired for shared connection like me (hey, I’ve hit on the love languages quinfecta – cue applause please). 

This all rings so true to me because those are the ways in which I try to love back. 

Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hand and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

“But, Carolyna, how? I don’t know that I have that kind of time given [insert multitude of adulting obligations here] or the creativity.” 

I hear you, boo! Sometimes I feel the same way, too. So in my next blog post, I would like to delve into this more logically and strategically with some conventional and not-so-conventional ideas. But first, I need your input! 

So, dear readers, help me out here please! Tell me how you’ve shown your love or have had love shown to you, beyond words of affirmation, in a long distance relationship or during a time you had to be separated from your love. Or tell me how you would like it to be shown to you if you were ever in that situation. A thoughtful gift, a particularly meaningful act of service, or some other way? I want the details! 

Kindly leave me a comment below, email me (carolynawrites@gmail.com), or reach out to me on Twitter (@carolyna_luna) with some ideas. You may remain anonymous if you like. Many thanks!

In the meantime, here’s Extreme – 

Much gratitude to the lovely and brilliant Jae Lynn for always thinking up such great prompts that inspire me to feel like writing again. Read more of her #MusicallyRanting by following the link below:  

Post Images Credit: Zeynep on Unsplash